FBI Special Investigator Robert Mueller is listed in critical condition this afternoon after suffering a delayed allergic reaction to a work-related incident late last week. According to Director Art Tubolls of the White House Office of Information and Propaganda:
“All we know is what the FBI is telling us. At some point this morning, Mr. Mueller collapsed and was rushed to the hospital. Doctors stabilized his condition but say the next few hours are crucial.”
The Chief of Medicine at Bethesda Naval Hospital told reporters that Mueller will be lucky to survive:
“Robert spent more time in a room with Steve bannon than any man should have to. Afterwards, he was given the required flea-dipping, which apparently mixed with his Pert Plus the next morning and caused a reaction close to what happened near the end of Innerspace.”
Kellyanne Conway confirmed that those facts were in fact facts, or at the very least alt facts, making them facts by West Wing standards. First Lady Melania Trump commented, “Hello from Switzerland! Baron and I miss America very much!” President Trump confirmed that the First Family is “amazing. Never better.”
If Mueller makes it through the night he’s been ordered to undergo rabies therapy, which now requires the patient to be fully awake and alert by executive order number 098956S. In other news, the government has issued a 7.2 on the “Making America Great Again Index,” a scientific method of computing the amount of liberty, guns, God and swamp drainage versus the same day of Obama’s 2007 term.
President Trump called the 7.2 a “Big big win for the US. Big win. We just can’t stop winning.” As always, the official statement released by the White House tomorrow will explain anything the President may have said, implied, inferred, posted, tweeted or tumbld on the issue and for fake news sources like CNN, Reuters and cSPAN to “step cautiously” when taking what the President says literally.
If the rabies therapy is successful, Mueller will spend four to six weeks quarantined with a pack of wild rhesus monkeys, the only species able to help rebuild the human’s natural ability to produce Steve Bannon antibodies. Word on the Hill is that Trey Gowdy…still thinks y’all are crazy.