Liberals With Red Porch Lights Robbed And Brutalized

In a not-so-shocking turn of events, a family of tree-hugging liberals who think feeding freeloaders and housing refugees from ISIS are cool things to do was savagely beaten last night. The family had replaced their green outside light that showed support for our troops with a red bulb, signaling “solidarity” with other anti-gun communists.

What they actually ended up signaling was a pair of armed criminals out looking for their next easy meal. The red light told them everything they needed to know about the family inside. With superior firepower — which would have been anything greater than a knife or maybe a baseball bat — the intruders waltzed in and turned a typical evening at home into a family’s worst nightmare.

After pistol-whipping the dad and teenage son and threatening to rape the mom and two young daughters, the pair absconded with more than $60K worth of cash and merchandise if you count the Prius they drove out of the garage with.

The family, tied up and helpless until a neighbor finally got close enough to hear their muffled screams through the gags, called the police. Cops untied the family and took a statement. Captain Sandy Batt told Potatriot Post reporter Art Tubolls:

“We won’t find these guys. They had the advantage from the second they entered. They wore masks and disguised their voices. Maybe these people should replace their red lightbulbs with some firepower.”

According to the NRA, everyone in America without a gun is bound to at some point find themselves in need of one, while gun owners are the reason America is so safe from violence the likes of which this poor family has endured.

The dad, who has asked that he and his family remain anonymous so they won’t be labeled “snowflake wussies” in public, says he is going to go find a gun just as soon as the insurance company comes through with a rental car:

“I’m gonna go to the nearest flea market I can find and buy a big gun. Then I’m gonna put another red light bulb in my outside socket. Then I’m gonna shoot the first asshole that comes through my door uninvited.”

Yeah, baby. That right there is how America works. President Trump says he fully supports this kind of vigilante justice and reminds us that he always has his gun — and his bible — safely nearby.

About Flagg Eagleton 68 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.