Governor Rick Scott Issues Two Pardons That Protect Your Rights

Florida Governor Rick Scott has issued two pardons today that will reverberate around the country and make people think about this whole gun control debate. Scott’s spokesman, Art Tubolls, explains that this move takes us one step closer to being the “absolutely free” society we were meant to be:

“This morning, Governor Scott received word that two innocent guns were to be melted down and wiped from existence. These weapons were used in crimes in our state and it has been deemed that they be destroyed by some snowflake on some committee somewhere.

By pardoning these two sporting rifles, Governor Scott is setting a precedent that you can’t blame the gun. Those weapons would have done absolutely nothing the days they were used had their triggers not been pulled. This sends a message. Guns are people, too.”

The weapons in question were those used by the Pulse Nightclub and Parkland school shooters. While the Governor’s office does acknowledge that these guns have the blood of nearly 70 people on them, they still can’t be held responsible:

“If you were a nuclear bomb and someone threw you at an island, killing a million people, would you be guilty of a million murders? You were just minding your own business. Maybe we should consider banning islands. That’s how crazy blaming the gun sounds.”

The question of where the guns would go was quickly answered when Rick Scott himself, who owns a large collection of murder, crime and torture memorabilia, offered to pay nearly $10 million to the state to display them proudly next to James Edward Pough’s aviator glasses and Ted Bundy’s yellow Beetle in his man cave.

Rumor has it he owns the guillotine that took the head of Marie Antoinette and the largest collection of Holocaust teeth in the world. Rumor also has it that he’s actually the human incarnation of the demon Yehonatan, so there’s that.

A great victory for guns and gun rights has shown once again that Florida only cares about the rights of her residents.

About Flagg Eagleton 68 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.